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Categories
Parenting

The highly sensitive child

Categories
Parenting

Communicate with your child by decoding the situation

Table of Contents

How do we communicate with our child?

How do we create harmony and balance in your home? 

If you want to create a harmonious home a good place to start is by making everyone in the family feel heard and ‘feel good about themselves’. We can do this through ongoing connection, relationship building and safe communication.

We can’t avoid having to discipline our kids and we can’t avoid conflicts in our home. But this becomes much easier to handle if our starting point is connection instead of battles and stress.  

‘People will forget what you have said. People will forget what you have done. But people will never forget how you made them feel’.  

Once we have built a strong connection through safe communication with our kids (and this goes for our partners too!) they are much more likely to want to cooperate with us and listen to us when we need them to. Furthermore, it will help us to restore the balance and move on without anybody feeling shamed, blamed or disrespected.  
How can we create positive connection and communication?

We can do this by working on ‘decoding’ and understanding the situation and accepting the here and now. 

What is decoding? It is when we consciously work on understanding the current situation, people and ourselves without judgement. Decoding is when we work on translating what is in front of us, and what is going on behind the scenes. We accept the here and now and tune into what IS, not how we want it to be or trying to fix it. It is when we are curious instead of furious, and stay open minded to what is going on.

Also read the article Positive parenting: Why it works miracles

How to practice communication with decoding?

It takes a bit of time and is something we have to work on. But practice leads to habit so hold on and don’t give up: 

Decoding yourself: Check in with yourself. We need to be able to quickly check in with ourselves and how the situation makes us feel. 

Before you do or say anything stop! Allow yourself to take a deep breath. 

Think: What am I feeling right now, what is going on inside of me? Anger, frustration, hate etc. Accept that this is how you feel right now and that is ok. You cannot get rid of a feeling but you can choose what to do with it so it doesn’t hijack the outcome and what you do or say next. Decoding by understanding and translating our own feelings and moods helps us to respond instead of react, to be assertive and measured instead of aggressive and impulsive. Which will make us more open minded to what is happening around us.   

Talk yourself ‘in and down’ the feeling scale:

  • ‘I am angry but that is ok. We all get angry sometimes and my child is normally really good so it’s ok if she is a bit upset right now’
  • ‘He will grow out of it; it’s just a phase’
  • ‘We are both a bit tired which makes us both on edge’.
  • If a negative thought pops up i.e. ‘I am so mad I could hurt him right now.’
  • ‘Why me, what have I done to get a family like this?’
  • ‘I am such a bad parent’ etc.

Stop yourself, breathe and check in with yourself.

Decoding the situation: Check in with the situation:  Once you have got control of yourself turn your attention and curiosity to what is around you: the situation – tune into everything that is going on around you: the room, the noise, who is there, the smell etc. Connect to what is going on. 

Your mind should be full of the here and now (mindfully). No multitasking or distractions (i.e. phone, email, cooking, tidying up etc.), give your full attention to what is happening. I like to think of the moment as a ‘bubble of mindfulness’, with you, the people involved and the situation inside. Everything else outside the bubble does not matter, right now. It can wait till later.

Decode what your kids think and feel: Check in with your kids: 

What is going on within them right now. Tune into them. Listen to them (even though you might not like what you hear or agree with it – just listen)

You can show that you are listening by showing that you understand them by using words such as: ‘I can HEAR that you are angry right now because you are screaming and I UNDERSTAND that you are upset because you are not allowed to have more screen time- and it is OK to be mad sometimes’. Remember, they can ask, you can say no and they can have a reaction to it. It still does not change the fact that they cannot have more screen time! But you have shown that you understand the anger and that in itself can often contain it. Here you are connecting at a higher level and instead of making them feel shamed or blamed you make them feel good and respected.  

Decode the words your kids use: Help them translate what they are trying to tell you. Often what our kids say and feel are two different things so try to help them make sense. ‘I hate Sam because he took my pencil without asking’, you: ‘So you are upset with Sam because…’ or, ‘You are so stupid’, you: ‘I can hear you are really angry with me right now’.  

Once we use decoding as a starting point to all connection and communication we will find that not only do we suddenly understand the situation and child better we also start responding in a way that makes our child feel good about themselves. This will lead to better cooperation and team work that will create a harmonies home.

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Parent Coaching

Parent Coaching

We offer an unique opportunity to attend Our

ONLINE PARENT COACHING WORKSHOPS

Parent workshop

These are some of the topics Mette Theilmann will cover in her interactive and informative Parent Coaching Workshops. The workshops are held online over Zoom. When you sign up you get a meeting ID and password in your confirmation mail.

Here are some of the topics Mette covers

Parenting can be tough, but parenting before, during and after a separation brings parenting to a whole different level. Separation is one of the most stressful things that a family can go through and often causes friction between you, your children, other family members or friends. Having worked very closely with family solicitors for the last 3 years I can support you and your family through this challenging time with the least negative impact. 

Connection is at the heart of all good parenting.  You might feel that due to too many conflicts and battles in your home you have lost the ‘connection’ or positive relationship with your kids, your partner and yourself. Through coaching I help you connect with your family through the 4 simple but powerful Rs: Rules, Routine, Responsibilities & Relationship. Together these will help you restore the balance when family life has got a bit out of control. 

Managing your / your family’s health & well-being can seem like a mammoth task at times. And especially in this information age where we are bombarded with daily, often conflicting, advice about what we should and shouldn’t do in order to stay healthy, happy and well. It can be so confusing to know what to do and where to start. Things Take Time. Managing a healthy lifestyle does take a bit of effort. Particularly in the beginning when we might have to change old habits in order to create new ones. I will help guide you on a new journey towards a healthier lifestyle that suits you, and above all is manageable, with a structure to help you succeed. I will support you to set achievable and realistic goals and explore what is holding you back and why. And then the fun starts: how to get there, with lots of practical steps, new fun food recipes and a change of mindset.

Sometimes family life doesn’t work out the way we thought it would and have planned. I can for sure talk about myself. I never ‘planned’ to have special needs children and when I did I struggled.

Let’s face it, SEN parents are awesome!
If you are a parent of a child with any special needs then I am here to support you with our 3 step guide to SEN parenting.

1.     Relationships & Connection: depending on the need your child it can sometimes be hard to play, interact or have time to spend quality time with our child.  I help you find ‘your thing’ that will glue you together and for a little while forget the struggles and just focus on connecting as parent and child!  Furthermore, you are now a ‘special needs family’, by this I mean when one family member struggles and have challenges the family as a whole is effect and therefor equally need attention and support to feel hear, understood and function under the given circumstances.

2.     Let go of what is ‘normal and ‘should be’: use your common sense and parenting instinct. When I had children with special needs I had to let go of all that was ‘normal’ and ‘should be’ and start being a bit flexible in my way of doing, dreaming and hoping! Let me help you see your situation for what it is and set realistic and positive expectation to your self and each family member!

3.     Stay positive: Try not to be affected by all the things your child cannot do and might never will do – but instead focus on all that he/she CAN do. Our children are SO interesting and unique, once we allow this to shine through we can truly enjoy them and allow them to be who they are meant to be!

Most parents have argued at some point over how to raise their children. This is normal because we all bring different values, backgrounds and expectations to the relationship. These differences can often cause tension and frustration between parents. It is ok to have different views and it is ok to agree to disagree. But it is NOT ok to involve the children, bring the tension into the home or make them sit in the middle of adult conflicts.  These disagreements are not good for the children to experience,  they might start viewing themselves as the cause of the arguments, blaming themselves or start using the situation as a ‘tool’ to get what they want. Through coaching I support you to put forward your frustrations in a measured way, listen to each other’s views, set joint agreed goals and move forward together in a way that you are both comfortable with that suits your family life.

When we lose our temper, yell or tell our kids off we might feel stronger in the moment but essentially we have given away our power!  We have ‘lost it’! Through coaching we will look at how we can maintain control of our own feelings and behaviour (we can’t and shouldn’t control anyone other than ourselves) and respond in a measured (not impulsive) way whereby we can be proud of ourselves and act as a good role-model.

Family life gets busy and it is so easy to put ourselves at the bottom of the ‘care’ list and attend to others’ needs first. But we might be at risk of running ourselves down which means we have less energy and time to attend to our family when they really need us. I help you to create time and tools that will energise you and make you feel more than ‘just’ being mum or dad: Self-care is the best care, not a luxury!

Consequences can be so hard to implement when we have a defiant child and we are living life at 100 miles an hour. We might end up reacting aggressively or unfairly which makes us feel guilty later on, or stop us from saying NO altogether for fear of further battles and difficult feelings to manage. But saying NO and setting limits effectively is a sign of love. You are telling your child, ‘I love you too much to behave like that!’, ‘You are worthy of my time and discipline!’ and so on. Being able to say NO and set limits in an appropriate way makes us safe company to be with and creates a sense of safety and order in your home.

What others have experienced

Meet your teacher Mette Theilmann

A bit about me: I am originally from Denmark. I’ve been married to an Irishman for 26 years and together we have three children aged 18, 20 and 22. As a family we have previously lived in Brussels, China and London and we currently live between Denmark, Ireland and the UK.

My motto: We have no rights over our kids – only obligations and responsibilities.

It is our ‘job’ to raise our kids to become independent and responsible for themselves, the environment and others. But we can only do this if we have ‘earned’ the right to do so through ongoing connection and relationship building with our children that enables us to work together as a team.

I am an experienced and qualified life coach.

My qualifications include:

  • Social Psychology Degree
  • Parent, Family & Youth Coach with the Coaching Academy of London
  • Level 3 City & Guilds “Working with Parents”
  • Webster Stratton Group Leader
  • Family Link Parent Facilitator
  • Degree in Nutrition
  • NLP practitioner

The two best things you can do for your children are: Looking after yourself (if you are ok the family will be ok), and parent as a team with your partner!

Connect before correct! As parents we will always have to deal with our kids’ behaviour at some stage. But this will become so much easier if our starting point is closeness and trust instead of distance and hostility.

No one said parenting was going to be easy: By attending parent coaching I can’t guarantee that your family struggles and battles will go away. But I CAN guarantee that you will walk away with solutions that will fit your individual family life.

There is no “right way” of parenting – only the best way for you and your family:All families are unique and all family members are individual. Together we will explore a parenting style that works for you and fits your family values and situation.

“The weak don’t ask for help so they stay weak…asking for help is a sign of strength, growth and change” – John Wooden

Parent Coaching is ‘Time Out’ for you, to invest in your family’s future.

We are our kids strongest role model: With our behaviour, attitude and way of thinking we set the scene at home. I help you to understand how your kids see, feel and hear you in order to create an atmosphere that you are happy for your kids to copy!

Mette Theilmann. Online parent workshop

In the workshop you will interact with Mette and others with the exact same challanges that you face right now!

Watch these samples of Mettes coaching.

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